A quick review of my weight for the last 33 years...I don't remember being overweight when I was very little. I see pictures of myself and I was a fairly normal sized kiddo. Then puberty started kicking in...and it wasn't recognized that it was puberty because I was sooooo young. However, once those lovely hormones kicked in I started gaining weight. I was an active child...I played tball, softball, basketball, was in gymnastics and baton. I loved to climb trees and be outside. I'd pretend my nap pad was a hurdle and try to jump it in preparation for my future as a track star. I loved to ride my bike for hours at a time. I've always adored swimming so at any opportunity. Once we moved out of town I'd explore and climb through the woods. I eventually started being less and less active...and that didn't help the weight at all.
So key events/weights I recall: 5th grade leaving the clinic having weighed in at 164...and my mom's comment of "well I knew you were big but I didn't realize you were that thick as well." That means in 5th grade my BMI was 28.4 and that's overweight my friends. (I was already the height I am now.)
Between 5th grade and graduation I gained up to 195. So when I graduated high school my BMI was 33.7 and obese but at least only moderately obese.
The first time I got married I was 20 and weighed 222. So my BMI was 38.4 and severely obese.
When I went for my first ob appt with princess I weighed in at 263. BMI of 45.5 and morbidly obese...
When I moved to IA to plan my wedding and start my life with my amazing hubby I weighed in at 254. I'd actually been able to lose some weight by living off of lean cuisine's and hitting the Y for Zumba 5 days a week and weights 3 of those 5. BMI of 43.9 and still morbidly obese.
Earlier this year I hit my all time high of 297 making my BMI 51.4. Well at least it almost matched my waist size...? Seriously that's ridiculous! And yes that means I was yet again morbidly obese...but is there a super morbidly obese category, b/c I should so be in that one.
I'm currently 281 with a BMI of 48.6 so at least I'm below the 50s...still morbidly obese.
Plenty of comments I remember from my life of being overweight:
6th grade from a boy desk mate that I won't name though I remember...and I don't think he was attempting to make me cry myself to sleep that night..."too bad girls can't play football you'd be a great defensive blocker"
Many times over the many years from friends to my face or behind my back "try Jenny Craig" "try weight watchers" "put the fork down" "just walk away from the food."
From middle school through sophomore year I was bulimic. This didn't help me lose weight but it did help me not gain. It helped me feel in control of my life when I felt so out of control in so many other areas.
I'm definitely an emotional eater and that began way back...like 4 or 5. I'd go to my dad's for the weekends and be miserable. One of the perks was going to the grocery store and picking out ice cream. I'd fix a big bowl and then I'd sit and mix the ice cream with a spoon until it was a nice milk shaky texture. It would take hours for me to eat one bowl of ice cream. However, this allowed me to not not interact with my dad or his parents. It helped me escape. I warned my husband when I first met him that if he ever caught me swirling ice cream to rip the bowl away from me and force me to talk.
When my grandmother fell and broke her hip. When she didn't pull through the surgery, when she was in icu and coding, fighting for her life...the time frame was approx 36 hrs...I ate 3 big bags of peanut m&ms...yep that's right...3 of the biggest bags you can buy.
I've begun to recognize my bad behaviors. I'm learning to realize food doesn't offer comfort. I'm learning to accept my emotions and deal with them when they happen...I've got a long way to go both in the lbs I need to lose and in the growing I need to do. I'm excited for my surgery because it will be a huge tool to help me, force me, assist me, encourage me to continue to grow and become healthy and whole.
Through the years I've tried many diets, many work out routines, etc. I would lose just a smidge...but then hit a wall...whether it was emotional or complications from the PCOS I'd give up. With this surgery there is no giving up, it's irreversible! The last therapy session I had I made a casual comment that I've thought about almost constantly since..."PCOS isn't the reason I got to almost 300 lbs. It didn't help, but it's not the only reason." For the first time in my life I quit leaning on that crutch...and over the last month I've repeated that to myself...I believe it. Now I'm starting to embrace it...I am the reason I got to almost 300 lbs...PCOS is only one of the many reasons. It's the one reason I cannot change...but this surgery will help me fight it. Therapy will help me fight myself. God will give me the strength. The love and support of my friends and family will help me stay encouraged to win this battle that I've lost for 33 years. I want to be whole. I want to be healthy. I want to be the lady God created me to be...I want more. I want to give more. I want to be more.
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